I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
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First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?