I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
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You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.