me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
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[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice