After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
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*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
eggs benadryl
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣