Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
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So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep