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Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
podcasts
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?