[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
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[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Breaking news:
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.