cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
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Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Morning my dudes.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird