Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
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Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
i’m sure it’s fine