I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
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6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”