So the ex texted me
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Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian