Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
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I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
LOL
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read