[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
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We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I believe the plural is “milves.”
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
🙋♀️
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature