Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
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If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
me as a parent
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
What’s so funny?
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.