Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
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9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Home #decor warning.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans