Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
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My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
My wife gives the best headache.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
How do you like your Corgi?
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.