I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
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[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
There are no pants in heaven.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?