[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
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[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
that de-escalated quickly
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”