Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
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Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.