When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
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my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?