fired
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COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century