Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
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My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food