Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
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I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
doctor: the good news is you鈥檙e dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don鈥檛 like you
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn鈥檛 really give an opinion either way but they鈥檙e HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you鈥檙e right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who鈥檚 getting the glittery Christmas cards.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 馃檪
noah: you did WHAT
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
friend: [texting] i鈥檓 gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
You don鈥檛 know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.