My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
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Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?