A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
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Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
More like Kate Missington.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
2 years later
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.