*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
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I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”