I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
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What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
dutch so unserious
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.