*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
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[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I feel like one of these would kill a European
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*