[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
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Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Goodnight 🐶
no!! no!!!!!!
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.