“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
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Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Come back with a warrant
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch