What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
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So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.