[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
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I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner