You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
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When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
*puts my mental health in rice
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
how long have you had this for?
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble