I think costco should be the next president of the united states
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I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
When I laugh on my period
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants