Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
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She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.