the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
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*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.