“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
You Might Also Like
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”