My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
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WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word