JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
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If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
🐕🍷
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete