[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
You Might Also Like
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late