Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
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Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming