[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
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Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
The future is now.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
[shakes fist at other fist]
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.