For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I feel this so hard
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Yes, but it was never about money
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
(Gaming support cat.)
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife