We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
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“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Found the job I’m suited for
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
If looks could kill
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me