WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
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Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.