to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
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‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
A great tip. #CakeRex
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
i wish i could marry a nap
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame