[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
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Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
✌🏽
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept