my fav colour is also hitler
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I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly