Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
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gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
never deleting this app.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️