DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
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If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no